#incorrect illiad

[akekiitaz]

Basically what I believe most illiad missions were like

Agamemnon: I have a very difficult and dangerous mission for one of you.

Diomedes: ME ME! I WANNA GO ON IT!!

Agamemnon: Okay, useless prick who will never be better than your father, who do you want to take with you?

Diomedes, looking at Odysseus who is frantically shaking his head at him and is exhausted: my best friend Ody, of course!

[diomedeshoe]

i dont have a clue how tumblr works so if my art flops on here ill pretend its my online dump book

[firstknightvulion]

Is it any surprise I like me some Greek Mythology?

I hate the modern depictions of Helen/Paris/Menelaus.

Menelaus was a good man, Helen was manipulated by Aphrodite and Paris is…Paris. Fuck that guy. Not literally, he doesn’t deserve it.

The Iliad be like:

Paris: Any advice for your dear husband as he goes out to duel?

Helen turns to Paris. She is wearing ‘Team Menelaus’ hat, a ‘I love my real husband shirt’ and her right hand is covered by a ‘Menelaus #1’ giant, foam hand.

Helen: Die. Preferably, screaming.

Paris watches Helen stand atop the walls. She raises her shirt, flashing her boobs in Menelaus’ direction. On them is written ‘Kick His Ass, Baby’.

The entire Greek army stares. Except Odysseus. Menelaus gives them the death glare. The entire Greek army awkwardly looks away. Except Odysseus.

I also love the idea of Odysseus and Menelaus being Ancient Greek Wifeguys.

Odysseus walks into Menelaus’ tent. Menelaus looks up hopefully.

Menelaus: *hopefully* Wife?

Odysseus: *shaking his head* Not wife.

Menelaus: *sadly* Miss wife.

Odysseus: *sadly* Miss wife too.

Several hours and jugs of wine later…

Agamemnon steps into the tent.

Odysseus and Menelaus: *drunk and crying hysterically* Want wife!!!

Agamemnon backs out of the tent.

I also, also feel like Helen may harbor some resentment towards Aphrodite.

Aphrodite appears in front of the Palace in Sparta.

Aphrodite: *smiling happily* Hey, gurl!

Helen immediately runs up to her and decks the divine being in the face. Aphrodite goes down like a sack of bricks. Helen returns inside. Menelaus looks between the unconscious Goddess and the threshold of his home. After a moment, he follows his wife inside and closes the door. Aphrodite lays there for several hours.

[simsim54]

Achilles: *mindlessly flirting with Patroclus* Patroclus: *actually flirts back* Achilles: Patroclus: Achilles: Patroclus: You're not going to say anything? Achilles, panicking: I don't know. I didn't think I'd get this far.

[callaben]

PARIS AND HELEN

[pep-the-artemis]

Helen - *enjoying the view from the top of the Trojan walls with Paris* Hey servant boy.

Apollo* - yes princess?

Helen - these walls aren't tall enough, make them bigger.

Apollo - are you sure, they're already very tall.

Helen - *pushes Paris off the wall*

...

...thud

...

Paris - *groaning* I'm okay!

Helen - yeah, needs to be taller.

*context: in the Illiad, Apollo was temporarily turned mortal and forced to work as a servant to the king of Troy as punishment.

[yourmiseryk]

Neoptolemus would say kys so much to literally everything, like if diomedes asked him to do something he’d say “ok kys fa-“ and then Diomedes would just walk out, exasperated

[christart14]

canon [i was there]

[zippyskyfalls]

Odysseus: *watching Telemachus play with a wooden horse*

Penelope: Honey. What are you doing?

Odysseus: now now, Penelope. Something tells me I'll need this one day.

[random-nerd-posts]

Let this be canon, please!

Penelope: This is my husband, Odysseus, and this is his boyfriend Diomedes.

[patrokronk]

What he says: noble son of Peleus

What he means: fuckilles

[meditando-en-paris]

Odysseus and Diomedes in Skyros: You have to come with us to Troy.

Achilles: I'm too gay for that.

Odysseus: Well, then you'll be interested!

[meramori]

it’s always “why did you fight the river, achilles?” “why would you fight a river” “how did you beat a river” “please stop fighting rivers achilles” never “was fighting the river fun?” “how was fighting a river?” “good job on fighting the river”smh

[simsim54]

Briseis: Hey Achilles—woah, are you okay? Achilles, laying face-flat on the floor: Living is a curse and existence is a punishment. Odysseus: Patroclus went on a date with some guy. Patroclus, walking in: Worst. Date. Ever. It was so damn boring! Achilles, getting up: Life is a gift and existence is a blessing!

[h0bg0blin-meat]

*Achilles and Patroclus are having a fight.*

Achilles: EAT SHIT AND DIE.

Patroclus: BITE ME.

Achilles: Neck?

Patroclus:

Patroclus: Don't make it too obvious.

[pep-the-artemis]

Helen - *frustrated trying to crowbar the window open*

Hector - *walking in* What are you doing... Are you trying to escape again?!

Helen - no :3

Hector - then what's that. *points at crowbar*

Helen - it's ummm my...my snack! Yes, my snack! Can't a girl get hungry?

Hector - *in disbelief* a snack? Really?

Helen - yes *takes bite out of crowbar* mmmmm copper.

Hector - *horrified but defeated* sigh. Fine, you win this time, just don't try and escape agai-DONT TAKE ANOTHER BITE!

Helen - *with her mouth full* but it's so yummy!